Heartless… with a groovy ending

Gymnastics | Hobbies | Illness | Polyamory | Relationships | Roller Derby | Skate Park | Surgury | Transition

So, first and probably only electrolysis session was an absolute bust. I get to this awful office, that has water stains on the ceiling, and rusty fixtures, get half naked and get on the table. She puts the “numbing” agent on and just starts going to town stabbing and shocking my hair follicles, which of course is absolutely awful. So I am crying and jump a little, and she snaps at me the first time. “I cant do this unless you are absolutely still. Are you going to be able to handle this?” So i say yes, and just hold totally still, am still crying of course. After about 10 minutes I tell her I need a minute. “Well this just isn’t going to work, you being like this makes it so hard for me. I cant do this, you are going to have to figure something else out. Get dressed and meet me at the front desk and i will check you out.” and she left. Thankfully she didn’t charge me for the full hour. I spent the next two hours trying to get to [alt-text alt=”Rich”]Daddy[/alt-text]’s and crying on and off the whole time. When i got there, Shimmer was home but had to run out, so i laid on the couch and cried myself to sleep. Then cried on and off the rest of the night. It was an all around awful belittling experience. I would not every recommend this person to anybody.
This is really going to put a damper on my surgery prep, i am thinking i am just going to have to finish off with laser, and hope for the best. i am really not sure what else to do at this point, as the next closest one is in Chicago. And with the level of pain i was experiencing, really the only option for me with the electrolysis is to do the local anesthetic and twilighting which will cost me thousands…. that i don’t have. So lets just hope for the best with laser.
So the next morning after spending the night with [alt-text alt=”Rich”]Daddy[/alt-text], Shimmer, Him and I, went to breakfast, good times were had. Once we got back to the house, [alt-text alt=”Rich”]Daddy[/alt-text] helped me put the finishing touches on the home made sliders i made for my skates as well as mount them to my plates. Though they defiantly are not perfect they are good enough for now until I get my skate park skates built. I made them out of a cutting board, i am pretty proud of my ingenuity. Then we headed off to the city.
We spent the next couple hours at a huge indoor skate park in St. Louis called RampRiders where i worked on pumping on the half pipe as well as wall riding the bowl. It was an excellent time. I did fall and crack my head, thankfully had my helmet on, but it definitely put a end to the day.  Once back at the house, I headed home shortly after, as i had a bit of a date that evening.

So I came home and got ready for my date, and boy did i get ready, i was feeling like hot stuff! I did get home a little later than i planned on so i did miss the entire pre-game session, but that is okay. We went to greggories first for the first half of the drag show, which was a blast, had a few beers (which cute boys bought for me) then headed to the second club to finish off the evening. I was super good and stopped drinking early and switched to energy drinks and water. So by the end of the night when we left, i was one sober cucumber. I am very proud of myself i was able to drive myself home and didn’t have to go barge in on a friend to take care of me which is usually the norm when i go out for a night light this. Maybe i am growing up. I slept really good that night, except for the fact that i had to get up super early for derby stuff.
I didn’t even get to practice on Sunday, my practice time was spent building a gate for the rink so we wouldn’t loose our WFTDA sanctioning. Of course i didn’t bring a mask, so inhaled all that dust, which probably led me to being sick this week, mixed with the dehydration and lack of sleep of course. We picked up trash on the highway after that, and i finally got home and slept/napped. I did end up watching the New Avengers movie, it was good… no spoilers.
Monday i wasn’t feeling great but work went fine, nothing special, got home and went to bed early with some NyQuill thinking i was getting sick. It ends up i was. Took Tuesday off, and doctored / slept all day, so i missed another derby practice… ugh. And today, though still feeling kinda crumby i am here at work. Sadly i am going to have to take gymnastics off tonight. I am just not feeling well enough to take it on, and don’t want to get hurt bout week due to stupidity…

Randomness and Support

BDSM | Family | Hobbies | Random | Relationships | Skate Park | Surgury | Transition

Still no word from the surgeon’s office, It is not feeling as ominous now that i have spoken with some Post-Op women, though it is still frustrating not having a set date. I got super frustrated this morning at [alt-text alt=”Rich”]Daddy[/alt-text], he called me and brought up my uncertainty at the lack of date, which of course sent me on a rant, and put me in a bad mood, thankfully i got out of it again pretty quickly. I have my first electrolysis appointment tomorrow, hopefully my last too, i am really hoping i am bald enough down there to make it pretty easy to deal with. Once i am done with that, I will be heading to [alt-text alt=”Rich”]Daddy[/alt-text]’s house, which i am in desperate need of.
I spoke with [alt-text alt=”someone”]my mother[/alt-text] about [alt-text alt=”their partner”]my step-father[/alt-text]’s kinks, and how she is not okay with kinks in general, i am working hard to help her get educated, and possibly come to an event with classes in hopes of getting her involved. I think if i can get [alt-text alt=”said someone”]my mother[/alt-text] involved in the community, she will see how positive and non sexual it actually is, and i also believe it will bring me some appreciation from [alt-text alt=”their partner”]my step-father[/alt-text], and possibly help to bring us closer once again.
I have been busting my booty at the skate park this week, did three days there this week. I managed to jump out of the bowl and do a 180, something that has been really terrifying me lately, but i managed to pull it off. I am also getting much better at riding the half pipe, which is defiantly up there with my goals as I really want to be able to do a drop in, but until i am comfortable getting reaching the top just pumping I am not going to risk it. I am excited to try a new indoor park this weekend, I will be going to “RampRiders” in Saint Louis, which is 30,000 square feet of indoor ramps, [alt-text alt=”Rich”]Daddy[/alt-text] will be there to take pictures, so hopefully i can pull off something impressive!
Kind of a random post today, i really didn’t have anything specifically to rant about so just kind of an update on life.

A Better Me!

Diet | Exercise | Health | Hobbies | Skate Park | Surgury

I am to the point now that i really want to take my diet and exercise routine to the next level, but have kind of hit a plateau, i have already decided that the push i am looking for is going to have to wait until after i am healed from my surgery, as i really do not want to push super hard, just to loose all my progress in my months of recovery. Regardless of that I am still hoping to hit my abdominal goal prior to it, and that is to at least have them showing, preferably the elusive “Elevens”, and of course I also intend to stay quite fit leading up to the surgery to make sure i am in the best possible shape to allow for the best possible recovery.
So I have been on a weight loss & better health journey for a few years now and this year it has really been coming to a head, between quitting smoking,  eating clean, roller derby, gymnastics, and now the skate park. I spent the better part of two years coming from 215, down to 147, then have spent the last year and a half actually building muscle, putting myself in the 165 range. Last time i checked i was at about 25% body fat, which is higher than i would like, but is still extremely good.
Another note, that I mentioned earlier, is I am now frequenting the skate (ramp) park, three times this week so far, and will probably be there a fourth tomorrow as well. I am obviously very new to it, so my skill level is quite low, though i did land my first 180 off the ramp the other day. With a new dangerous sport though, comes the new more severe injuries… Today i am nursing road rash on my thigh as well as calf, due to pushing my derby skates to do something i do not have them properly set up for. I am also in quite a bit of shoulder pain from the same spill. Irregardless I am in love! It has just as much of a pull on me as derby does, and has the added benefit of being close to my house, and CHEAP!
Emotionally I am feeling quite better today, still got some feelings of dread, but I seem to have it more under control, maybe it is the pain from my injuries distracting me, or maybe i was just cried out. Who knows, nothing in that realm has been resolved yet, so i expect to be back where i was emotionally sooner or later. That being said, I am going to enjoy feeling better while it lasts, who knows, maybe i will get my surgery date before I fall back in, and can avoid another bout of it all together!
Happy Tuesday Y’all

Depression and Such

Random | Surgury | Transition

Life has been fucking with my head lately, I don’t even know where to start. With surgery looming over me, I have been unable to make any plans as i still have no idea when the surgery is going to be. I am assuming it will be this year, or at least I am hoping so with all the work i have put in to get to this point, and I really don’t want to have to start over if we don’t have it until next year. This paired with the uncertainty surrounding my job and it is just a cocktail of depression and anxiety.
The depression and anxiety are really getting to me, as I have had both of them under control for a few years now, so having them back is not something I am very fond of. I am sure it is just the mountains of stress and uncertainty that is looming over my head, and  I feel that once my surgery date is set my life will start returning to normalcy. As it is now, I am unable to make plans for this fall or next spring as I do not want to spend the money on events just to be recovering from surgery and be unable to go. I have so many roller derby related things i want to go to and experience, and I have received invites from people whom i would love to build better relationships with, yet here i am having to turn them down due to my inability to plan things. It is all so frustrating i just want to put this behind me.
Somewhat strange side note, I have had a nearly impossible time getting off since I got the letter from my insurance company approving the surgery, its bizarre, almost like my penis knows its days are numbered. Which is a shame, I would really like to spend some quality time with it, while it is still around. I also feel like I need to pick a “final vagina” the one last experience with my existing equipment. If i don’t find one, I wonder how the last girl whom I was with is going to feel about that, knowing they were my last.
Something else i am really struggling with is Lack of support, at least from trans women later in their transition. I feel like i am running around blind into a world that very well could be a dead end. I have yet to meet a post-op trans woman, or heck even one as far along in transition as I am. This worries me, because one of three things is happening; One, they are getting assimilated into the regular world, and no longer need the support of trans persons. two, they are all dead, or three they don’t actually exist. I am hoping for one personally.
This is truly terrifying though, I have nowhere to turn if things go badly with surgery, I have no support system of any people that will understand, it is a total mind fuck feeling like you are the first, which I know is not really true, but it certainly feels like it sometimes.
I supposed it is just time to let things go they way they are going to go and hope for the best.
Happy Monday Y’all


Surgury | Transition

The letters are in! My insurance company have determined that my bottom surgery is “Medically Necessary” which means the days my penis have left on this world are numbered! This is extremely exciting, I have been working my butt off all year trying to make this happen, and it is becoming very real all of a sudden. I am still waiting on the date from the surgeon, which i should be receiving later this week! I still have some hair removal left, so hopefully we will be scheduling it a few months out still. But it is happening!

Moving Forward…

Surgury | Transition

Lots has happened!
Finally did my consultation for my surgery, it was a little less exciting then i expected, all my questions were answered, and a man fondled me while to others watched, talk about bizarre. I have decided that i am going to go with Doctor Loren Schechter and go with the penile inversion procedure.
I am still short one letter, though i saw an additional therapist with this in mind last week. It went well enough, went through my life, the good the bad and the ugly, and took one of those awful personality tests. Hopefully i will hear back from him this week, then i can get the letters to Dr. Schechter and possibly schedule a surgery date.
I started hair removal for the procedure, I was extremely nervous and really built up what i was expecting the pain to be. Though yes, it was extremely painful it was nothing compared to my face. In fact, i laughed through most of the process. The laser seems to have taken very well, i see very little regrowth, though some of it is still in the falling out phase. Cant wait to see where i am at next month. It does look like i will need to do some electrolysis as well in the area for some of the lighter hairs, but we shall see.
I joined an adult Gymnastics class, which i am super excited for, though i am defiantly pushing the boundaries of how many hobbies a person can have before running out of time.
I have been having an emotionally difficult time with my derby team, it seems that many of them do not think i am ready and are talking about it behind my back. It is perfectly fine that i am not ready, though i do question that statement, but the fact that they are talking about it behind my back is disheartening. I took a few steps back and a few practices off, and am hoping to go back in tonight with renewed vigor. I am not proud of how much this is eating at me though.
Everything is super brief i know, but i really don’t know what else to say. I think this is it for this one.

Effing Quitters…

Random | Surgury

I finally did it… again…
for the ten million and twenty second time i have quit nicotine. Every time I do this i say “This time is different” and it never is, but this time is different.
With my surgery on the horizon, smoking is really no longer on the table. Smoking prior to or after surgery can lead to serious complications, such as infections, necrosis, and  scaring. Granted, scaring is not a serious complication but who wants awful scars on their fancy new vagina? Lets not forget the awful health issues smoking causes in general, but honestly those have never stopped me before.
So here i am clinging onto the surgery as a reason to quit, I would rather do it now than while i am recovering from surgery. The reasons that lead me to start this at this specific time are amusing to say the least.
I finished my last bottle of vape juice Saturday night before bed, I figured i would grab one when I woke up.   What I decided not to factor in was the weather report. I awoke on Easter 2018 to 3-6 inches of snow on the ground! Though I am confident with my driving in the snow, I have no desire to risk my safety over an addiction, so I chose not to pick up more figuring i would get some on Monday.
By the time Sunday evening rolled around i was seriously in the throes of withdrawal, finally got to bed and when i woke up, I had made it this far, i knew quitting was in my future, so why not do it now while i am already through the first day. I had no idea when i took my last puff of my vape that it was in fact the last puff of my vape, on Sunday, i had no idea that i was never going to vape or have nicotine again, making the day much easier with my brain assuming it was coming in the future.
Here I am 4 days later, 4 days nicotine free. Honestly… I miss it, I really do nicotine is a drug… and its a drug that makes the happy juice in your brain go WOO, I miss my WOO. Nicotine is my last addiction! In the early 2000’s I beat Cocaine, Opeoids, Acid, Ecstasy. I have been drug free since 2010, minus Nicotine. Nicotine has always been the hardest for me, you have to look for cocaine, you have to spend a lot of money on cocaine, and you have to deal with the 2 hour from now shitty feeling with cocaine when the cocaine is gone… With cigarettes, there is always another cigarette, you run out, that is ok! not only are most stores dealers, but half the people in public will give you one when you are craving one, just because they know how crappy it is to be out. Making cigarettes the worst… they are everywhere.
This has got to be one of my least favorite posts. As all it has done was make me desire a cigarette more, though the purpose of this was to remind me why I am quitting. Surgery! I am doing this 100% For surgery! Which means 2018, from Easter (April 1st) on Is and will continue to be NICOTINE FREE!!!!!

The Last Goodbye…

Random | Relationships

I bought this journal with the intention of documenting the year leading up to my gender reassignment surgery. Though i prefer a computer blog style journal the physical paper journal stands the test of time. (This was originally from my journal)
This weekend was an absolute roller coaster or emotions, excitement, and heartbreak. I am not sure how much i will elaborate as it is two in the morning on a work night.
Friday was an interesting day, i had a doctors appointment due to trouble breathing recently during high endurance exercise. I was diagnoased with Exercise-Induced Bronchiconstriciton and was prescribed an inhaler.
Friday [alt-text alt=”my friend”]Miranda[/alt-text] and I had a “[redacted invisible=”true”]little’s [/redacted]party”, we made brownies and watched movies. It was a much needed relaxing evening.
Saturday was heart-wrenching. I met with my ex-wife [redacted invisible=”true”]Kaci[/redacted] for the first time in about two years. I had to go to her house to pick up the last of my  table saw and lathe. This is likely the last time I will ever see her face to face.
[redacted before=”
” after=”
“]She left me with a question of whether her, I, and Richie (her step-brother) had been sexually intimate on a specific night between two and three years ago. I honestly do not remember for sureas i was nearly black out drunk that night. Also she was sleeping with other men at that point so she may very well have done something after i went to bed. This is apparently family gossip now. This affects me in no way nor does it weigh on my conscience.[/redacted]
I did spend the evening with a bottle of whiskey and old pictures reminiscing the good times.
Sunday was an excellent day! After finalizing with [alt-text alt=”my ex”] Kaci[/alt-text] my head was surprisingly clear. I had a derby mixer and a whole lot of fun. I started talking to Alex from QPEX again and assuming he wasn’t just horny tonight, like most guys who lead me on, we may hook up next weekend.

Fuck Nuggets 2018

Old Blog | Random

Well holy crap i have not posted anything in 2+ years!
Lets get on with this shit, I am drunk as could be. I am starting a new tradition, start the year off  sober and ready to rock and roll, like an adult… I guess. Then get drunk as heck! Wooo new year.
In reality, I got up today and kicked some butt, mainly this was because my pipes were frozen, but that is not the point. I insulated my basement, in quick nobody cares fashion of course as it was too darn cold and I am too broke to actually patch things up the way they should be. Maybe next summer I will be more inclined to do so, we shall see. It is -1 degrees out. I can barely keep my house at 62, insulating the basement has defiantly helped, I don’t feel that the heat is running 24/7 anymore, though my bill this month is going to be ridiculous. I truly need to attack the roof/attic but financially i don’t see that happening until 2019 (Prove me wrong drunk me new years 2019).
I am 3 years and 2 months and 22 days away from being ‘debt free’ granted the credit cards i have remaining may fight me on this, but regardless, I will own my car and house outright, and if my payment plans continue on the path they are on then I will be SET! My goals have changed slightly, surprisingly after the past month, not due to personal motivation or anything. NO, met some random online with the same damn plans at me with 20+ years head start, “because I want to do it while I am young.” So FUCK (trying to stop swearing… still… but this deserves it.) I am on this train, lets rock and roll. My goal has changed from building a sailing yacht at retirement, to purchasing one, 4-5 years from now, and just existing on the world’s energy.  Heck if things change, I will go tomorrow if the chance arises. I am doing this, I am done working my booty off to ‘survive’, its time to do me.
It depresses me looking at my family. They travel like crazy to places they love, following their passions, doing things they want to, and still work, well most of them, And here i am barely able to afford to live. 3 years 2 months, and 22 days from now,  i should have an additional 1200+++  a month to play with, maybe 1500, if i save until 2022 and purchase a sailboat. Find me some serious bloggers/ YouTubers that actually turn a profit to accompany me and rent my home out, I could probably start the rest of my life at 35 by sailing the world and exploring my life and those of others for the rest of my time on this planet. At the end of the day I can tell you one thing, my next home will be not only mobile, but MINE. No More renting, I made that promise to myself in 2012 or 2013.
Plans to make this happen include at this point: Creating numerous word press plugins, for small dedicated communities. Working with JT Creative Solutions on expanding her web base. Possibile web/email hosting opportunities. Finishing my darn house, only 3 years left better hurry the heck up and make it rent-able. Hopefully i can find the time to continue on my 911 software for distribution, I would still like to keep it ‘free’ with donations so small centers can utilize the software, but i have said this for the past three years and have yet to host an actual release. . .
Lets talk about the downside of life for a moment. Killing myself crosses my mind on a daily bases, thankfully i have made the decision many years ago NOT to do so, and once i make a decision, a real decision, it is upheld with all my might. There is too much in this life I have yet to experience, death, suicide or otherwise is NOT an option! So rock on and move on. My annulment is coming. That is some crap isn’t it? I worked so hard to keep my life together with [alt-text alt=”my ex”]Kaci[/alt], yet here we are, it has been nearly 2 years since we have separated, it is about time we signed the paperwork and got it all over with. Sadly there are other influences on this, and though I am going through with it, it is still hard knowing that there is so much money between me and my mother who’s debt is going to be transferred to my ex and my in-laws. Sorry mom, I got to get my shit in order, and moving on from this marriage is step one.
Happy 2018 Everyone. Weird Year, weird life….

Like a Chimney!

Early Transition | Old Blog | Relationships | Transition

Sometimes life throws you some curve-balls. When it comes down to it you are either the person who ducks, or the one who catches it with their face… I am the latter of the two.
Shit is kinda crazy in my life right now, on top of my transition physically, I am going through a transition of another type, I usually try to keep my relationship problems out of my “Social media” yet i do feel that my experiences with this as well as future updates could help someone, hopefully multiple people. So lets talk relationships for a bit.
I shall start with a run down of my prior relationship status with my wife which from here on out i will refer to as my partner as that is what she is now. I feel bad that some of this information may be new to her, but it is something i have attempted to discuss with her in the past, and has not been absorbed or processed properly, I will promise nothing too bad in that category though.
My partner and i have always been in an open relationship. We came into this situation with an agreement, “I will never be upset with you for cheating on me as long as you tell me, NO SECRETS!” This is the absolute basis of our relationship, NO SECRETS, I will also say that is the main reason we are still together after coming out to her. After 3 years together, 1 year in marriage, she came out to me as polyamourous, in a pretty terrible way. I wont go into the details, but by the end, I planned to move to a remote mountainside and die, slowly. I came back from that, it took a while, but I did. We grew together slowly but just as good or better than before.
I never completely was able to get on board with the poly thing, to me building a relationship with someone else is a slap in the face to the one you are with, but as i have my quirks, so does she. I will say if she just went off every couple of weeks, and fucked a friend, there would not have been as much backlash.
I am getting way off topic, the whole poly vs. swinger mentality deserves its own post. LETS MOVE ON!
Those of you who haven’t come out to their significant other yet please note the next statement, I would like to state that I am not saying anybody’s way is wrong, nor that my way is perfect (because i promise you it is not) I am stating what happened with me and my personal opinions on this subject.
I came out to her BEFORE i started my transition, before any hormones, before any serious plans for the future of this. This is not to say i never thought about it, nor ever made superficial plans that really didn’t mean anything. The fact was i didn’t run off and try to accomplish my transition behind her back. I know many people who have tried this, i have NOT seen a single case in my experience where this worked out. I have seen multiple people who started hormones before speaking with their significant other only to have everything blow up in their face with little to no sympathy. With this you are adding insult to injury, this person whom you supposedly have ultimate trust with, feels they have been lied to for years with the trans* issue, but beyond that, you decided to just cut them out of the loop and move forward without even notifying them of your plans. OUCH!
Thinking about doing this to someone, think if your SO came home tomorrow with a new car, 30k+ that you will be paying for, for the next 5 or so years, without even talking to you first. This is the similar to the situation that you are putting your SO in by starting transition before telling them. Telling them first allow them some time to think about it, join you in therapy, or do their own. In the end you are still going to buy that car, but it allows them to discuss it with you first, and choose to help you or let you do it on your own, in their own time.
My relationship IS NOT perfect! I do feel that my relationship is far better then it would be if i had approached my partner 6 months from now, and told her that I have already taken a life path without even considering her in the long haul of it all.
So here we are, a poly girl and a trans-woman beginning transition. Sadly, i feel i was left in the dust with all of this. Though i still feel the bond that we had/have, the emotion has drained out of the relationship, at least for her side of it, (or that is how i feel) She is off dating a new guy, has no time for me. etc etc. Rough times. I feel like dirt some days, in this aspect. I know she loves me but after months now of being forgotten, repeatedly, it does start to hurt.